Sriracha is Forever by Hot Sauce Lover

So let me just begin by saying I fucking hate hipsters. Seriously, get your self righteous and trendy heads out of your own asses. I can not wait till your styles, and even the shit you call culture goes the way of fucking eight track tapes. 

Okay, so there’s that and now for this article…

Mr. Alexander has a very well written article on my favorite condiment. It gives history and tells the tale of a sauce that started off being called cock sauce (chill snow flakes it’s Rooster Sauce). The story of it’s rising is fantastic, this once  little known awesomeness wouldn’t have turned a head honestly but that wouldn’t do it justice. I’m glad it got popular because I can now get it anywhere in a variety of styles! So they have shirts, so it’s in recipes in restaurants and you know what? Fucking bring it, that’s capitalism at it’s best and what is the problem with that??

Huy Fong deserves the fucking Nobel Peace prize! It’s goddamn glorious what this sauce does to my taste buds and it’s not for everyone. My boss can’t stand me putting it on eggs if he’s eating next to me and guess what, I honestly don’t mind. I’m in heaven and dudes it is the best feeling anywhere! 

The real part that kills me is not his article but the reaction from my friends about the post! It’s not just my friends but the comments on other posts that have shared it and even the original post itself. Like, “Oh, it’s so over saturated now, so mainstream, I’d never like it anyway and it’s not even better than ketchup.” First off bitches, you know ya dig’d it! Just because it’s got a t-shirt or a donut with it on top, it’s passe! Fuck you for that…making me feel all self conscious about my love for the goddamn greatness that is Sriracha!!! Who cares if it’s mainstream, give me my goddamn, fucking glorious, anal destroying hot sauce and go your own fucking way! 

Ending comment: I love Sriracha, so fuck you. Also, eat dicks hipsters.

My response to a food critic

Stay your stupid fucking ass home

By Mr. Every Server

“We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not… fuck with us.”  -Tyler Durden 

“Five things restaurants need to stop doing right now” is by far the most ignorant piece of shit writing that I have read in a long time. –> http://ow.ly/i8lN30aeIii

Who the fuck are you to criticize? Even if you paid for your meal it doesn’t give you a right to be a raging bitch. Seriously, who in the hell let you publish this? Did someone proofread it before it’s stupidity infected the public? Were they severely intoxicated? You are exactly the type of person who shouldn’t go out to eat.

Let’s start with the best friend incident, it sucks she has cancer, seriously that’s fucking tragic but how the fuck did that server know what’s going on at the table aside from filling up your God Damn ice tea? Now there are rookies that reach in front of the guest instead of to their left, but is it really something to get butt hurt by? Maybe train yourself in etiquette and manners before going to a restaurant please. Let’s begin…

“Don’t reservation shame me.” 

Make a fucking reservation or for fucksake call ahead, they also make an app for that as well. You know why that dining room is empty? Because those tables are reserved! Those fine people will enjoy that table, we assured it so because we got the heads up. If they had the wherewithal to save a seat, what stopped you? You and grandma could have went to McDonalds, they love walk-ins.

“Don’t judge a salt lover.”

Salt absolutely does not make everything better! That dish you’re fucking ruining was made by a chef or cook who’s job it is to please. Lemon pepper, nutmeg, Cayenne, and garlic are some of the awesome ingredients in a kitchen, salt is only used in pinches. Some chefs have been known to prepare bland dishes  because they know people like you are going to over salt the shit out of their food. Enjoy the heart disease! Everyone needs to ditch the fucking salt, 1.6 million people die every year from shitty eating habits. It shows how plebeian you are with those Arby’s salt packets in your purse.

 Now as a server/bartender, I can’t condone the foolish server who told you “I hope you’re feeling confident.” That’s a dick move, I would have just brought you a salt shaker and moved on letting you think your happy happy joy joy thoughts.

“Quit interrupting”

Is it too much to fucking ask to be aware of your server? You know how scathing Yelp reviews are started? By the poor son of a bitch server that takes too long to come to the table. We are not listening to your great joke, there’s more than one table in the restaurant, in fact you’re one of many persons that we have to serve that night. Want us to leave you alone? Go ahead and tell your great story that you seem to want to do so badly after you eat your food, pay and get out. Sorry we’re just doing our fucking jobs and interrupting you. We would rather go back to table six with the nice couple who needs more bread. I bet, no I  fucking guarantee any place you go, where the server remembers you, it’s not pleasantly. In fact I assure you the Unholy C-word has been used to describe you more than once.

“Don’t be so pretentious.”

Oh and we’re the ones being pretentious, says the underachieving restaurant critic? No bitch, you’re at OUR place, this is here only because the restaurant owners let YOU come. Yeah that’s right you’re not a customer, you’re a fucking guest and you don’t like it? Go the fuck home!

 Also, who the fuck are you to bitch about napkins? Polyester is just as good for wiping that shit off your chin as cotton! Did you just burn call centers for Bank of America? At least that uncle has a job and probably doesn’t bitch as much as you do. This “article” should have been on Yelp where people can easily assault your moronic comments.

“Don’t ever ask me how something tastes.”

Lastly, when we asked you how your food tastes, it‘s because deep down we do give a fuck. Servers on average work 5 to 6 days and up to 40 to 45 hours a week. We want to know how your experience is going, because if anything is wrong, we will be quick to fix it. This isn’t a fast food chain where you’re just a number you jackass! In the end, all we would love for you to do is shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down and for once in your life, fucking enjoy yourself. Watch that one magical dining scene from Beauty and the Beast, let us fucking pamper you without your pompous, ignorant and bitchy attitude!

The word fuck was used 21 times and it felt fucking glorious. Oops, that makes 22. 

Ya twat waffle.